Sticks and Stones
by Cooper Sterling
Summary: Just some random drabbles and stories with our favorite Skeleton Detective and his partner. Rated T for mild violence in coming drabbles and arrests.
1. Licensed to drive? I wish

"Why can't I drive?"

"Do I even need to bring up the van incident?"

"That was your idea!" Valkyrie protested from the passenger seat of the Bentley.

"But you went along with it…" Skulduggery replied, his hollow eyes fixed on the city road before them.

"So you'll teach me magic, and let me come on dangerous cases and adventures with you, but you won't let me drive a car?"

"Yeah, pretty much...But it's not just a car, it's the_ Bentley….."_

"I hate you….."

"No you don't. It's impossible for anybody to hate me."

"So what about Serpine, and Vengenous, and Guild, and-"

"They don't count….." Skulduggery said back to her.

They drove for a few minutes in silence before Valkyrie decided to speak up.

"I have my permit and everything, and I can drive any licensed vehicle during daylight hours as long as the person in the passenger seat is a licensed driver."

Skulduggery said nothing, and they drove on. A thought occurred to Valkyrie, and she arched an eyebrow, looking over at her livingly-challenged partner.

"Do you even have a license?"

"Do you think someone as awesome as me needs one?"

"So then you don't actually have a license…." Valkyrie let the statement hang in the air.

"It's not that simple. Do you have any idea how much paperwork there is?" Skulduggery said with a slight sigh.

"So what would happen if you got pulled over?" Valkyrie asked him, a grin curling on the edge of her lips.

"I wouldn't get pulled over. I follow the law."

"Like that time we broke into the Dublin Municipal Art Gallery?"

"That was different. I only break the law when I _absolutely_ _have_ to. Otherwise I follow the law like anybody else."

"I _absolutely have_ to learn how to drive, Skulduggery…."

"Couldn't your dad teach you? Or your mom?"

"You remember how I was late for the reading of Gordon's will?"

"Yeah?"

"That was because my dad couldn't remember _to put his shoes on._ You think that I should learn how to _drive_ from that man?" Valkyrie asked, cocking her head.

"Well……..Erm, no. That probably wouldn't be a good idea. But what about your mom?"

"She's the worst backseat driver in history. And she's a _yeller_."

"A yeller?" Skulduggery asked, slightly miffed.

"A yeller." Valkyrie confirmed. "She goes something like this: Okay honey, you're doing great,. Now turn left here- I SAID LEFT! LEFT! LEFT TURN! Good job sweetheart. Now ease on your brake…..I SAID EASE ON YOUR BREAK!!!"

"I get the idea." Skulduggery interrupted quickly, cutting off Valkyrie before she could go on.

"STOP SIGN!"

"I said I get the idea….."

"I was being serious, Skulduggery. You just missed a stop sign."

"Did not"

"You're a very negligent driver…..Maybe it's best that I don't learn how to drive form you."

"I'm telling you, I did not run that stop sign! There was no stop sign!"

Just then, they both heard the magic sound.

_Dwee-do. Dwee-do. Dwee-do. Dwee-do,_ Came the siren.

Valkyrie smirked as she looked in the rearview mirror and saw the police cruiser flashing it's lights behind them. Skulduggery stiffly put on his sunglasses and scarf, then tucked his wig under his hat as they pulled over.

"Don't even say it….." He sighed.

"Say what? I told you so? I would never……" Valkyrie settled back in her seat, grinning smugly from ear to ear.

"But I bet that you're wishing you had that driver's license now…."


	2. Halloween Stakeout

"What about that guy?" Valkyrie asked, pointing through the Bentley's window. She was pointing at a man, tall and dark haired, dressed in a scarlet tight fitting devil's suit. A plastic set of horns crowned his head, and he held a plastic red pitch fork in his left hand.

Skulduggery looked down at a grainy photograph he had in his hand. The picture was of a man, a cat burglar of the magical world that they had been hired to catch. His name was Grant Alastor, and he had been stealing more items of power than usual lately, and a number of prominent folk in the Magical community had become quite upset. Valkyrie and Skulduggery had received an anonymous tip earlier that day that Mr. Alastor was going to show up at the old Victorian-style house across the street sometime later that night. Hence the stakeout…..

"You know……This would be easier if it wasn't _Halloween._" Valkyrie observed, watching all of the people, adults and children alike, wandering the sidewalks in costumes.

"It probably would be." Skulduggery agreed, drumming his gloved fingers on the steering wheel. He was obviously just as bored as Valkyrie. They sat for a few more moments in silence before Skulduggery spoke up.

"You should go get some candy. It'll help you stay awake. And see if there's anything over there that might actually draw Alastor in."

Valkyrie arched an eyebrow, and turned in her seat to look at her partner.

"You want me to go and get _candy_ so that you can tell if our criminal is going to show up here tonight? I can't see the logic in that one…….And I don't even have a costume."

"You're a mischievous looking midget in an ominous black coat that's too small for you anyways. What more do you need?"

"Your hat." Valkyrie responded, glaring at Skulduggery as she opened the car door. She held out a hand expectantly.

"Are you absolutely sure?" Skulduggery asked, his fingers tracing the brim of his hat fondly.

"Absolutely."

Skulduggery sighed, and handed it over. With a triumphant smirk, Valkyrie put it on, and dug around in the backseat of the Bentley, looking for a plastic bag. She finally came up with one, and set off across the street.

"Trick or Treat!" She called out, knocking on the door of the old house. The olive colored paint was beginning to peel, and when the door swung open, the interior didn't look much better.

The man Valkyrie found herself face to face with was dressed as a cowboy, complete with spurs and leather chaps. He mumbled something and dropped the Twix into her bag, and began to close the door. Something nagged at the back of Valkyrie's mind when she saw the man's face, and she quickly stuck her foot in the door jam, looking closer at the man's face, something dawning on her.

Underneath the cowboy hat, it was Grant Alastor. There was no doubt about it.

Valkyrie took her foot back out of the door, and tried to think of an excuse, but it was too late. Alastor had already seen the look of recognition cross her face, and he must've put 2 and 2 together.

"Get over here you little brat," He hissed from between clenched teeth as he darted forward. His hands missed her by a hand's breadth as Valkyrie stumbled backwards, twisting her ankle, and pitching off the steps. She landed on her rump in the dirt, Alastor advancing menacingly down the steps. Skulduggery's hat was on the ground next to her and she reached out for it as she backpedaled across the ground. She never got the chance to grab it.

A thin gloved hand plucked it from the ground, and deposited the hat back where it belonged-On Skulduggery's ivory skull. Alastor stopped on the bottom step, just feet away, his face rapidly going pale. He turned tail and ran back for the house, but Skulduggery was already darting after him. He reached the door a fraction of a millisecond before Alastor, and slammed it shut- literally in his face. Alastor hit the wood with a crack that resounded across the neighborhood, and slid limply to the ground.

"You are under arrest for……Are you even conscious? Alastor?" Skulduggery toed the unmoving form of the thief for a moment, before bending over and handcuffing the man's hands and ankles. He looked back over to Valkyrie.

"You alright.?" He asked, dragging Alastor behind him with one hand. With the other, he helped Valkyrie to her feet.

"Fine." She replied, dusting off her pants. She looked at him with a slight twinge of disbelief. Skulduggery stared back at her.

"What? Let me guess: That was so amazing you can't believe I let you hang out with me." Skulduggery said. Valkyrie rolled her eyes.

"No. Actually I was thinking that you rescued me on time for once. That's like……a new record for you."

"Well……… I didn't want my hat to get wrecked……… I thought it would be best if I intervened before it got dirty or even stepped on."

Valkyrie blinked, and looked at Skulduggery with disbelief once more.

"So………You were quick to help me not because you were worried about _me,_ but because you were worried about your _hat?"_ She said accusingly. Skulduggery shrugged.

"You're a tough girl… I knew you would be fine. You can defend yourself. My hat can't. Now help me drag him over to the car…"

Glowering, Valkyrie obliged. She took Alastor's ankles, and they drug him over to the car. Together, they worked him into the backseat and left him there, locking the doors from the outside. Skulduggery went over to the trunk of the Bentley, and leaned back on it. Valkyrie could tell that he was pleased with the night's work, but quickly a thought occurred to her, and she began to panic.

"Skulduggery, get your disguise on!" She hissed quickly, moving to the front seat of the car to get Skulduggery's scarf, sunglasses, and wig.

"Val, it's Halloween. I don't really need them right now. Watch this." And before she could pretest, he started off down the sidewalk, towards a group of young trick-or-treaters and their parents. Skulduggery just walked right up to the man, and Valkyrie could hear him speak.

"Excuse me, Me and my……daughter over there are a little lost. Could you please point me in the direction of 55th street."

"Sure thing, man. Just go down this street for two blocks, and then take a left, follow that road for a block, then take a right, and you're there. And that's a great costume, by the way. Where'd you get it?"

"It's homemade, and it's been around for a while. Thanks for the directions" Skulduggery said back to the man. He turned around and walked back to Valkyrie, who was staring at him with wide-eyed disbelief.

"See?" He said to her. "That's why I love Halloween so much……Why are you looking at me like that?"

Valkyrie was silent until they had got in the Bentley and they both had put their seatbelts on. Alastor was snoring in the backseat, but they paid him no mind.

"I can't believe that man felt for that…… And…." She trailed off, looking out the window.

"And?"

"And you said I was your daughter……" They both fell awkwardly silent, and they remained this way for a few minutes until Valkyrie spoke up and broke the ice.

"And he believed that too! How could somebody think that I could be related to an egotistical moron like you?"

"How could somebody think that I'm an egotistical moron?" Skulduggery said back to her, and the rest of the drive home was filled with witty retorts and Alastor's snoring from the backseat.


	3. Make No Bones About It

**Thanks for all of the great Reviews, everybody! I'm running a little short on ideas (Boy, that didn't take long....) So if you think of any that you won't be using yourselves, I'd gladly take a stab at 'em.**

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Valkyrie was hunched over her writing desk in her room, totally focused on the papers in front of her when she heard the familiar knock come from her window. Sure enough, when she turned around, there was Skulduggery, perched on window sill like some sort of undead stalker. Sighing, she went over and undid the latch, sliding her window up.

"What, Skulduggery?"

"Tanith's flying up from London, and I was thinking we should go pick her up from the airport. You do know how much Tanith likes me…"

"Right…… I'd be happy to come, only _somebody_ insisted that I do more homework, and I'm a little stuck on it right now……"

"Well let me see. High school homework is no match for somebody as genius as me."

Valkyrie looked down at the worksheets in front of her. The were working on the skeletal system, in biology, and they had to have all of the bones in the human body memorized by next week. She looked back over at Skulduggery, who had taken up residence on her bed and smiled.

"You know…… Now that you mention it, you might be the best person to help me out with this stuff. What's this bone called?" She gestured the second knuckle of the first finger on her right hand. Skullduggery stared at her blankly.

"Um…A finger bone?"

"No, really, what's it called?"

"I don't know….."

Valkyrie stared at him.

"You mean you're a skeleton, and you have no idea of what your bones are even called?"

"Well, sure I do." He responded.

"Look- Leg bone. Ribs. Arm bone. Skull. Foot bones." Skulduggery said, pointing at each bit in turn. Valkyrie just stared at him.

"You're a skeleton-"

"Just figured that one out?"

"-And you don't even know what all of your bones are labeled… "

"You're a real live person. Do you know what all of your organs are called? Or what your blood is all made of?"

"I think that's next week……Don't get any ahead of me. " Valkyrie groaned, closing her binder. She obviously wasn't going to get any more work done tonight.

"You know, you'd be better off asking Kenspeckle. Or China." Skulduggery suggested.

"Come one. Let's go pick up Tanith. We can stop by Kenspeckles on the way back."

"Oh, I'm sure he'll be happy to see me when I'm not actually injured…." Valkyrie said, sticking the rest of her biology notes and such in a backpack, which she promptly swung over her shoulders.

"He might let you in without ridiculing you…." She continued. Skulduggery stepped out of the window before her, dropping to the ground with a cat-like grace. Valkyrie let her reflection out, and followed, though much more clumsily. They both got into the Bentley, and Valkyrie couldn't help but grin.

"But when he finds out that you're a skeleton, who doesn't know what all of his bones are called, Kenspeckle won't let you hear the end of it….."


	4. Woman Things

**Alright.. I realize I haven't updated in FOREVER.**

**This is because of several things.**

**One, there were some deaths in the family. One was my mother, and my inspiration still hasn't fully recovered.**

**Two, some other fandoms have taken hold of me. Yes, I'm looking at you, Zombieland. (Skulduggery Pleasant/Zombieland crossover for the win?)**

**Three, real life is hectic.**

**Four, I'm lame.**

**So here is my lame offering of a chapter. There are woman things involved, be warned!**

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Valkyrie knew she was going to have to start cleaning her room daily, if not hourly. The mess of random clothes, books, CDs, and other junk was always sporadically spread around, and Skulduggery was making it more and more of a habit to drop in randomly.

And so the night came that finally convinced Valkyrie to clean her room.

It was summer, and it was a hot, muggy, sticky, icky night. Valkyrie opened the window, merely laying on her bed and reading. She didn't have much time to read anymore. Training and cases tended to take up most of her freetime, and looking at the memories of a book being read wasn't the same. It wasn't even close.

She turned a page of her book, intent on the prints, then she heard knocking, and looked up. Skulduggery was climbing in the window.

"You could ask, you know." She said dryly.

"That would take the fun out of a _surprise _visit."

"I thought you were off helping Ghastly find his cousin or something."

"Found him. Wasn't really that hard."

"Oh?" Valkyrie perked an eyebrow, looking at her partner curiously. She had thought it would've taken much longer.

"He was in the phonebook."

"What a great detective you are."

"Aren't I just? There should be monuments to me." Skulduggery suggested.

"To your large ego, warning people not to be that self obsessed."

"They should be made of gold, with diamonds in them."

Valkyrie just rolled her eyes and gave a goodnatured sigh. She looked back down to her book.

"Skulduggery, why are you here?"

"There were, of course, many thing on my schedule, but I thought I would take time to see how my lovely partner was doing."

"You were bored."

"I was bored."

Valkyrie chuckled and sat up on her bed, marking her page. She opened her mouth to say something, but was cut off. Skulduggery had leaned over and picked something up off the floor, and was looking at it curiously. Valkyrie could tell from the way he held himself, the way his skull was slanted ever so slightly to the left that he didn't know what it was.

Valkyrie of course, blushed.

Skulduggery continued to look at the item.

"What.. Is this?" He asked, curiously. Val had a moment to compare the moment to Jack in Nightmare Before Christmas, looking at the snow.

"Its nothing." She said, a little too quickly.

"Oh.. Its something."

And this would be the last time Valkyrie left pads sitting out. She could only stare, getting redder and redder as Skulduggery proceeded to open the small pink package.

"Its a diaper... Val... Do you have a bed wetting problem?"

She realized he would have no clue what it was. They probably hadn't been invented when he was alive, so his wife wouldn't have used one, and even still, he was a guy. And now he was a guy skeleton. So.. He probably never had a clue what it was. Valkyrie had to wonder for a moment if he even knew what a period was.

"Its not a diaper!" She said defensively, moving to grab it.

"It looks like one." Skulduggery shot back, holding it above his head.

"Give it!"

"Not until you tell me what it is."

Valkyrie stopped trying to reach. She wouldn't be able to.. He was still taller than her, damn it... Instead, she tried a gust of air to send it out of his gloves. No such luck. Skulduggery held on tightly, not letting go.

"Tell me what it is, and I'll give it to you."

Face doing a wonderful impression on a tomato, Valkyrie crossed her arms.

"Fine. Its a pad."

"...A what?"

"Its a pad, Skulduggery."

"Oh... Well, what's it for?" Val had no idea how he was this oblivious... She would have thought that being a detective and all, he'd have more of a clue, but no such luck.

"Women things."

"I fail to see why women need diapers."

Valkyrie mumbled something, and Skulduggery tilted his head to the side.

"Pardon?"

"I said... Its for periods, Skulduggery. So that your pants don't get all... bloody..."

There was a moment of pause, in which Skulduggery turned and looked at the innocent pad in his hands, then immediately dropped it and wiped his gloves off on his jacket.

"That's disgusting."

"Its not used!"

"Its still gross."

"Not as gross as your wig."

"What about my wig?"


End file.
